The tradition of marriage comes with all sorts of expectations and obligations. And while modern couples might not feel the same pressure to change their names as their ancestors, it’s still almost universally done – with around 9 in 10 women ditching their maiden surname once they say ‘I do’.
This decision might be taken lightly, but the ramifications from a psychological perspective can be significant – even if they’re rarely considered. With that in mind, let’s talk about the fallout of a name change, not just in terms of the individual but also their relationship to their loved ones and wider social groups.
The Basics of Identity
We all feel like we know ourselves, but it’s surprisingly easy to ignore that this sense of who we are is defined by external factors – whether that’s the people we love, the community we live in, our hobbies, or even our incomes.
The concept of a name certainly falls into this broad category, and changing even part of it can have far-reaching effects. So how do you change your name? Well, to go through official channels you’ll need to apply for a name change by Deed Poll. This is a useful step to take once you’re married, as it means the relevant authorities will know that your info has changed – although lots of couples don’t realize that this is worthwhile.
In terms of why you’d change your name, aside from mere tradition, a major motivation is the desire to draw a line psychologically between who you were in the past as a singleton, and who you are now as a married individual. That’s why 11% of couples even take the step of combining their surnames to form something totally new when they tie the knot.
There’s also the embarrassment factor – with a UCL study identifying silly or unpleasant-sounding monikers that have been in decline over the last century. The likes of Handcock and Smellie have undergone the most significant dip, as people chose to move on from names that hurt their self-esteem whenever they were written or uttered. Just ask Bradley Walsh, as some names, like German Skier Fanny Chmelar, are hard to say with a straight face.
The Personality Angle
The aspect of your name isn’t just about administrative ease post-marriage, or a sense of tradition, as the psychological influence is well documented.
For instance, according to a study led by Jean Twenge pointed to the fact that not liking your own name is linked to being less well-adjusted as an individual. So it’s just as important to ensure that your new name is one you appreciate at all levels and not one that rubs you up the wrong way. Otherwise, you could find that marital bliss is disrupted by this seemingly innocuous issue.
Of course, people can grow into their new names. Plenty of couples don’t gel with a married surname immediately but get comfortable with it after a few weeks or months. It’s a little like when a new year rolls around and there’s that period of confusion when you keep writing last year’s date.
The Social Side
Another thing to consider outside of personal identity is how a name change reframes your relationships – not just with your newly extended family but also with friends and even colleagues.
You might feel pressure to take your partner’s name, as many do because family expectations weigh heavy – and not doing so could be perceived as a slight, which may mar your standing indelibly. You don’t want to necessarily upset the apple cart to the point that you go from debates over name changes to dealing with divorce disputes.
You might also be pushed on from the social side of the equation by expectations of being progressive and modern enough to keep your maiden name. It’s a precarious position, and one only you can cope with.
Final Thoughts
The main thing to know is that when you change your name post-marriage, you should not just be going through the motions. As well as dealing with the admin in an official manner, it’s also a good idea to scrutinize the psychological side and ensure that whatever path you take, the final destination is one you really want to arrive at.
